See the Contrast…?

I often find myself struggling. Actually, who the hell am I bullshitting. I am constantly struggling.

I was born creative, an artist – so yes, I am fucking emotional and extremely sensitive. I am also a very grounded Taurus, so I’m not the erratic or dramatic types. I don’t cry for nothing, am ridiculously understanding and tolerant and patient. To the point where it drives me mad. See the contrast?

I love being a bull for the insane strength that it’s given me – emotionally and mentally. But when it comes to heart matters, I’m the biggest loser there is. See the contrast?

I feel so deeply and connect so quickly with people – even strangers. I am moved and touched and hurt and offended. I take everything too personally. I take things to heart. I feel enough pain of my own, I don’t know why I need feel other people’s pain! I can’t separate myself from them. See the contrast?

I love my country and it’s people as much as I have no faith in them – they make my otherwise positive outlook on life, rather grim and negative. See the contrast?

I am patient but I want it now.

I am surrounded by people but lonely.

I am constantly grateful but somehow still unhappy.

Something’s always missing. And I’m running out of ideas. How do I fill the hole? Does it ever get filled?

I wish I was emotionally cold and dead. No feelings. No love. Just a ‘whatever’ attitude. I want not to feel. I want not to give a fuck. But I can’t, because I do feel, I do care and I do give a fuck about everything and everyone, all the time. See the contrast?

Dec, 2016.

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Your Expectations…

I don’t talk much,
Not about the past anymore,
Not about how X hurt me, or that I went through Y,
I don’t speak of all the pain, struggle, the number of times I have wanted to end my life, end it all for good,
But that doesn’t mean I’m over it,
That doesn’t mean I don’t feel,
That doesn’t mean I don’t know your pain,
That doesn’t mean anything.
Stop your mind from jumping to conclusions,
Stop your ego from judging me.
My story is mine, I will share it if I need to,
And I’d only need to, to help lighten your load.
I don’t need it to hold grudges or blame,
To whine or stay stuck in a moment long gone.
I don’t need to prove the tons of things I’ve gone through,
I don’t need your sympathy,
I won’t explain myself for your egos satisfaction.
Free me from your expectations,
Because I won’t, I absolutely won’t live up to them.
– Ramona Arena, 3rd September, 2018.

We

This magnificent power of love

This bond so solid

This coming together 

This oneness.

No matter what we did  

We’re beyond the things we said

There’s a deep, unshakable connection 

Held together by more than thread.

Rooted in our core,

The way we feel,

Everything else is truly trivial

We transcend all physical boundaries.

How can I even begin to explain?

What the wisest of sages can’t fathom

You and I – the inseparable ‘we’

Are a force with which they reckon.

– Ramona Arena 2016.
16th March 2016.

The Healing

We’ll be healed

We’ll be fine

Once we’re done

With all the cryin.

Cross the days

Count the nights

This very darkness

Will be our light.

I feel the future

Together life renewed

We’ll get through this

Just me and you.

-Ramona Arena 2016

Heroes..

(**PROFANITY ALERT**)

 

All of you heroes

You wannabe knights in shining armor

Think you can rescue a damsel in distress…

I have 2 words for you –

1. Fuck

2. Off.

This stupid game of pretend you play

Is my daily reality.

Fully convinced only you have the secret code to remove the spell,

Only you hold the magic key to release the curse,

Your kiss alone, shall rescue the princess!

Breaking news for you,

It can’t and it won’t.

Fool yourself, but I see through.

This is not from your heart –

Not even good intent

So spare me your illusion

The speech of unshakable love.

It’s your lame man ego is all –

The hunter that rules the house;

The one in the drivers seat that needs no directions;

The one that can fix everything, never needing to ask for a hand.

Keep running around your own house

With your super hero cape and mask.

Wash your dirty hands.

Rinse that filthy mouth.

I’ll say it again –

I see right through you

No. You cannot fix me.

I’m not a fucking experiment

I’m not a fucking toy

I’m not an exciting riddle to crack.

Don’t wanna be your muse either

To be tossed on a whim, into the trash.

See unlike your inner coward

I actually do invest

I traverse all my millions of fears

Believing in your best.

But this cold blooded creature now,

Has built an unrecognisably hard shell,

Retracting  within a second

Cuz your ‘commitments’ fail the smallest test.

So I say this yet again,

With much respect

Fuck Off you heroes

You ain’t got a chance in hell.

– Ramona Arena 2016

Of Fairytales and…

Stupid girl

Gullible fool

Can you not see through

What he’s trying to do?

It’s the oldest trick

Experience can’t hide

He won’t take no

It’s a matter of pride.

So stop being daft

Prancing in your bubble

This unicorn’s a dragon

He’s good at nothing but trouble.

Stop listening

To all he says

Use the brain you’re given

Don’t be another number in his bed.

– Ramona Arena 2016

 

Traumatic Progression To Nothing

For every gift I was given,

To find out – like Santa – the giver was fiction.

For every promise carefully packaged

To arrive broken; faster than UPS Express could deliver.

For all the times my rusty window was forced open

Stripping even the hollowness out of the hollow.

There’s nothing now for anyone and so it shall stay-

Useless, barren and bare.

Oh wait- there’s only one thing that lingers

The stench of morbid despair.

-Ramona Arena 2016.