See the Contrast…?

I often find myself struggling. Actually, who the hell am I bullshitting. I am constantly struggling.

I was born creative, an artist – so yes, I am fucking emotional and extremely sensitive. I am also a very grounded Taurus, so I’m not the erratic or dramatic types. I don’t cry for nothing, am ridiculously understanding and tolerant and patient. To the point where it drives me mad. See the contrast?

I love being a bull for the insane strength that it’s given me – emotionally and mentally. But when it comes to heart matters, I’m the biggest loser there is. See the contrast?

I feel so deeply and connect so quickly with people – even strangers. I am moved and touched and hurt and offended. I take everything too personally. I take things to heart. I feel enough pain of my own, I don’t know why I need feel other people’s pain! I can’t separate myself from them. See the contrast?

I love my country and it’s people as much as I have no faith in them – they make my otherwise positive outlook on life, rather grim and negative. See the contrast?

I am patient but I want it now.

I am surrounded by people but lonely.

I am constantly grateful but somehow still unhappy.

Something’s always missing. And I’m running out of ideas. How do I fill the hole? Does it ever get filled?

I wish I was emotionally cold and dead. No feelings. No love. Just a ‘whatever’ attitude. I want not to feel. I want not to give a fuck. But I can’t, because I do feel, I do care and I do give a fuck about everything and everyone, all the time. See the contrast?

Dec, 2016.

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Depression

I am depressed.

Life has failed me yet again.

Each time, I dusted the dirt

It threw at my face;

Stood up on my feet

Pushed myself

Back into the race.

But this time life wins.

I am firmly convinced

There is no God.

No mercy.

No respite.

 

Only one truth exists:

Good things don’t happen to good people,

They’re just given a mere glimpse of it.

Life dangles the sweetest carrot,

Finally offers a most promising bite

Only to take it away,

Smiling proudly.

I crumble

Into this wreck,

A morose being walking

With the stench of death.

No energy left to fight,

Only motivation to cry.

How I abhor myself.

I hate my life.

I cringe at my existence.

I’m dispicable and vile.

Congratulations life.

I hope you’re celebrating nice.

 

 

-Ramona Arena.

12 December 2015.

Lost. (EXPLICIT)

She howls from within
She be screaming stop.
The tremors a magnitude 9.

Not a soul can feel it
She bursts lava
They point & shoot, it’s beauty defined.

Then they give lectures
And Ted Talks for
Inspiration. For
Motivation. For
Uplifting. These
Experts. These
‘I’m accomplished’ people. These
‘Know it all’ people. These
‘Achievers of success’ people. These
‘I’m up here talking; you’re down there listening’ people. These
I got 5 million likes people. These
I got 20 million hits people. These
Reflections of Gods.

Alien, alien
Dropped into this world.
Was this planet, the gutter of the universe
Into which rejected offspring of all planets lay dumped?

The orphan. Adopted. But why.
She be trying so hard to die.

The spell of strength
She’s been cursed with,
No prince can take from her side.

She be in trance paranoid
Kill me, just kill me.
Oh suicide. The only man left. Lost his hard on upon seeing her lust for him.
Then Twitter timelines burst
With claimed expert knowledge of him. And microbiology. And wall paint.
It’s the internet. Everything’s gotta be true.

Yes. She should be so lucky.
But the bomb killed them all, not her.
The children died of starvation, not her.
The guns misfired, pumping all but her.
Even the fuckin tsunami. Be taking it all. All but her.

Oh please. Bone and black.
Any expert analysis, you have?
Bring it. Attack.