See the Contrast…?

I often find myself struggling. Actually, who the hell am I bullshitting. I am constantly struggling.

I was born creative, an artist – so yes, I am fucking emotional and extremely sensitive. I am also a very grounded Taurus, so I’m not the erratic or dramatic types. I don’t cry for nothing, am ridiculously understanding and tolerant and patient. To the point where it drives me mad. See the contrast?

I love being a bull for the insane strength that it’s given me – emotionally and mentally. But when it comes to heart matters, I’m the biggest loser there is. See the contrast?

I feel so deeply and connect so quickly with people – even strangers. I am moved and touched and hurt and offended. I take everything too personally. I take things to heart. I feel enough pain of my own, I don’t know why I need feel other people’s pain! I can’t separate myself from them. See the contrast?

I love my country and it’s people as much as I have no faith in them – they make my otherwise positive outlook on life, rather grim and negative. See the contrast?

I am patient but I want it now.

I am surrounded by people but lonely.

I am constantly grateful but somehow still unhappy.

Something’s always missing. And I’m running out of ideas. How do I fill the hole? Does it ever get filled?

I wish I was emotionally cold and dead. No feelings. No love. Just a ‘whatever’ attitude. I want not to feel. I want not to give a fuck. But I can’t, because I do feel, I do care and I do give a fuck about everything and everyone, all the time. See the contrast?

Dec, 2016.

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Your Expectations…

I don’t talk much,
Not about the past anymore,
Not about how X hurt me, or that I went through Y,
I don’t speak of all the pain, struggle, the number of times I have wanted to end my life, end it all for good,
But that doesn’t mean I’m over it,
That doesn’t mean I don’t feel,
That doesn’t mean I don’t know your pain,
That doesn’t mean anything.
Stop your mind from jumping to conclusions,
Stop your ego from judging me.
My story is mine, I will share it if I need to,
And I’d only need to, to help lighten your load.
I don’t need it to hold grudges or blame,
To whine or stay stuck in a moment long gone.
I don’t need to prove the tons of things I’ve gone through,
I don’t need your sympathy,
I won’t explain myself for your egos satisfaction.
Free me from your expectations,
Because I won’t, I absolutely won’t live up to them.
– Ramona Arena, 3rd September, 2018.

Open Up

Rules are meant to be rewritten

Theories are meant to be challenged

Conclusions are meant to be incomplete

Cuz the finite ain’t finite

And things ain’t what they seem.

 

Questions aren’t meant to be answered

Discovery is meant to be on-going

Seeking is to be an eternal quest

Cuz the finite ain’t finite

And we manifest that of which we dream.

 

It’s round, it’s square,

It’s here, but it’s also there

The dress is blue and the dress is green

Screw your illusions, I see the real deal

But the finite ain’t finite

You’re beyond all you staunchly believe.

 

Yeah the finite ain’t finite

Look beyond all that you perceive.

 

– Ramona Arena 2016.

The Healing

We’ll be healed

We’ll be fine

Once we’re done

With all the cryin.

Cross the days

Count the nights

This very darkness

Will be our light.

I feel the future

Together life renewed

We’ll get through this

Just me and you.

-Ramona Arena 2016

Once Upon A Time.
When I was young.

When I was fit.

When I felt pretty.

When I was loved.

When I was proud of the real me.

When I knew faith.

When promises weren’t cheap.

When I was capable of loving.

The world – and myself too.
And I would live happily ever after.
Pic: @abheetgidwani 

  

Of Fairytales and…

Stupid girl

Gullible fool

Can you not see through

What he’s trying to do?

It’s the oldest trick

Experience can’t hide

He won’t take no

It’s a matter of pride.

So stop being daft

Prancing in your bubble

This unicorn’s a dragon

He’s good at nothing but trouble.

Stop listening

To all he says

Use the brain you’re given

Don’t be another number in his bed.

– Ramona Arena 2016

 

Traumatic Progression To Nothing

For every gift I was given,

To find out – like Santa – the giver was fiction.

For every promise carefully packaged

To arrive broken; faster than UPS Express could deliver.

For all the times my rusty window was forced open

Stripping even the hollowness out of the hollow.

There’s nothing now for anyone and so it shall stay-

Useless, barren and bare.

Oh wait- there’s only one thing that lingers

The stench of morbid despair.

-Ramona Arena 2016.