See the Contrast…?

I often find myself struggling. Actually, who the hell am I bullshitting. I am constantly struggling.

I was born creative, an artist – so yes, I am fucking emotional and extremely sensitive. I am also a very grounded Taurus, so I’m not the erratic or dramatic types. I don’t cry for nothing, am ridiculously understanding and tolerant and patient. To the point where it drives me mad. See the contrast?

I love being a bull for the insane strength that it’s given me – emotionally and mentally. But when it comes to heart matters, I’m the biggest loser there is. See the contrast?

I feel so deeply and connect so quickly with people – even strangers. I am moved and touched and hurt and offended. I take everything too personally. I take things to heart. I feel enough pain of my own, I don’t know why I need feel other people’s pain! I can’t separate myself from them. See the contrast?

I love my country and it’s people as much as I have no faith in them – they make my otherwise positive outlook on life, rather grim and negative. See the contrast?

I am patient but I want it now.

I am surrounded by people but lonely.

I am constantly grateful but somehow still unhappy.

Something’s always missing. And I’m running out of ideas. How do I fill the hole? Does it ever get filled?

I wish I was emotionally cold and dead. No feelings. No love. Just a ‘whatever’ attitude. I want not to feel. I want not to give a fuck. But I can’t, because I do feel, I do care and I do give a fuck about everything and everyone, all the time. See the contrast?

Dec, 2016.

Your Expectations…

I don’t talk much,
Not about the past anymore,
Not about how X hurt me, or that I went through Y,
I don’t speak of all the pain, struggle, the number of times I have wanted to end my life, end it all for good,
But that doesn’t mean I’m over it,
That doesn’t mean I don’t feel,
That doesn’t mean I don’t know your pain,
That doesn’t mean anything.
Stop your mind from jumping to conclusions,
Stop your ego from judging me.
My story is mine, I will share it if I need to,
And I’d only need to, to help lighten your load.
I don’t need it to hold grudges or blame,
To whine or stay stuck in a moment long gone.
I don’t need to prove the tons of things I’ve gone through,
I don’t need your sympathy,
I won’t explain myself for your egos satisfaction.
Free me from your expectations,
Because I won’t, I absolutely won’t live up to them.
– Ramona Arena, 3rd September, 2018.

How do you live your life?

Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes.
– Hugh Prather.

Can you identify with this? I totally can. Since it always kept happening to me as a child, I learned by the age of 11, not to make plans or fixed decisions. Not about anything, ever.

Everytime I made a plan for something, it never worked out. Everytime I thought I finally caught a break, things would collapse again.

By the time I was 13, I started meditation. This only emphasized to me what life already taught me. Only, it gave me a new perspective & clarity. Life & God were not against me, I was not cursed or doomed to fail. I didn’t have to live fighting or with dejection, when things didn’t go my way. I deeply understood that change is just the nature of things.

At 16, I did Vipassana, which taught me about annichha – impermanence. Which helped me stop taking life, people, situations and myself so seriously. To trust life, flow with it instead of hustle. So I’ve never been competitive, fought for work, cheated others to get more etc. What’s meant for me will always end up on my lap. There are enough amazing, kind, supportive and generous people around me thankfully. I believe this firmly, because life made sure it rubbed it in deep.

Obviously, I’ve also met tons of well-meaning people who’ve said that my way of living is wrong, that I’m ‘airy-fairy’, living in the clouds, that I should grow up & live in the real world. I listen, but keep on walking (or floating as they say), without looking back, or caring about their beliefs of ‘should’. I understand where they come from.

But we all have our own learnings, and through them our beliefs. I love who I am, and living the way I do – mistakes, falls & all. And for all change & other life lessons, I always remain open.

Happy Teachers Day, to life, every single person on this planet & their opinions. 🤗🙏

Misunderstandings (Part 1)

How often do you misunderstand people?
How often do you feel misunderstood?
Could that be because you lack the appropriate skills to communicate?
Or is it because of perception?

You are perceived by others, only in the way they know how. That could be based on their past, their patterns or their beliefs and conditioning, or their mood at this moment – not as you want, regardless of how honest your intentions are. Or as we often see on social media (especially Twitter), regardless of simple logic or established facts. In fact, the more logical or practical you are, the more angry people tend to get. Why is that?

Because they don’t have a reply?
Because they have to accept a truth they’d rather be in denial about?
Because it shakes them out of their comfort zone?
Because they realize there might be truth to what you say, which means what they believed was wrong – and since most people identify themselves with their beliefs, that makes them and all their years of existence wrong? And being wrong according to them, is a bad thing, a shameful thing. It means you accept defeat, that you are a loser. And no one likes to lose, right?

You will always only be received and understood, by the way another chooses, consciously or subconsciously to receive you. No matter what you do. Understand this deeply.

So always communicate with love and calmness. Choose to respond, instead of react. Be kind to those that are stuck in the frustration of not being able to receive kindness, love and help, when you communicate with them. Try not to judge, or condemn them for it.

Can you relate to this in other areas of life?
– Ramona Arena.
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Open Up

Rules are meant to be rewritten

Theories are meant to be challenged

Conclusions are meant to be incomplete

Cuz the finite ain’t finite

And things ain’t what they seem.

 

Questions aren’t meant to be answered

Discovery is meant to be on-going

Seeking is to be an eternal quest

Cuz the finite ain’t finite

And we manifest that of which we dream.

 

It’s round, it’s square,

It’s here, but it’s also there

The dress is blue and the dress is green

Screw your illusions, I see the real deal

But the finite ain’t finite

You’re beyond all you staunchly believe.

 

Yeah the finite ain’t finite

Look beyond all that you perceive.

 

– Ramona Arena 2016.

We

This magnificent power of love

This bond so solid

This coming together 

This oneness.

No matter what we did  

We’re beyond the things we said

There’s a deep, unshakable connection 

Held together by more than thread.

Rooted in our core,

The way we feel,

Everything else is truly trivial

We transcend all physical boundaries.

How can I even begin to explain?

What the wisest of sages can’t fathom

You and I – the inseparable ‘we’

Are a force with which they reckon.

– Ramona Arena 2016.
16th March 2016.

How Are You?

No one dare come near me

No one dare touch me

With hands of slime

And mouths of lies.

My ears hurt

My uterus screams

My skin coils

With the slightest touch

Even of healing massages

I’d once loved.

My world is tar

Sticky and dark

Rancid and hard

Keeps breaking under the weight of unbearable loads

Loathsome to myself

Relentless disposition to harm

This is my everyday.

How’s that for an answer

When you ask if I’m okay

Because you care.

About me.

Yes.

All you care about is disguising your truth

Mere consolation for your shame and guilt.

Speak the fuck up!

You burned these ears that can’t hear you.

Stand the fuck up!

And find a way to get through

Past these gates and walls you helped build.

– Ramona Arena 2016. 

(Awoke and wrote this in the wee hours of morn, on 13th December 2016.)

The Healing

We’ll be healed

We’ll be fine

Once we’re done

With all the cryin.

Cross the days

Count the nights

This very darkness

Will be our light.

I feel the future

Together life renewed

We’ll get through this

Just me and you.

-Ramona Arena 2016

Heroes..

(**PROFANITY ALERT**)

 

All of you heroes

You wannabe knights in shining armor

Think you can rescue a damsel in distress…

I have 2 words for you –

1. Fuck

2. Off.

This stupid game of pretend you play

Is my daily reality.

Fully convinced only you have the secret code to remove the spell,

Only you hold the magic key to release the curse,

Your kiss alone, shall rescue the princess!

Breaking news for you,

It can’t and it won’t.

Fool yourself, but I see through.

This is not from your heart –

Not even good intent

So spare me your illusion

The speech of unshakable love.

It’s your lame man ego is all –

The hunter that rules the house;

The one in the drivers seat that needs no directions;

The one that can fix everything, never needing to ask for a hand.

Keep running around your own house

With your super hero cape and mask.

Wash your dirty hands.

Rinse that filthy mouth.

I’ll say it again –

I see right through you

No. You cannot fix me.

I’m not a fucking experiment

I’m not a fucking toy

I’m not an exciting riddle to crack.

Don’t wanna be your muse either

To be tossed on a whim, into the trash.

See unlike your inner coward

I actually do invest

I traverse all my millions of fears

Believing in your best.

But this cold blooded creature now,

Has built an unrecognisably hard shell,

Retracting  within a second

Cuz your ‘commitments’ fail the smallest test.

So I say this yet again,

With much respect

Fuck Off you heroes

You ain’t got a chance in hell.

– Ramona Arena 2016

There’s a note in my heart

With your name on it.

I’m going to read it

Cuz I’m not sure you’ll find it.

The note holds a song

Your name is it’s tune.

Won’t you please sing it to me

I’ll harmonise with you.

It is the eternal classic

You never tire of playing on loop.

– Ramona Arena 2016.