Traumatic Progression To Nothing

For every gift I was given,

To find out – like Santa – the giver was fiction.

For every promise carefully packaged

To arrive broken; faster than UPS Express could deliver.

For all the times my rusty window was forced open

Stripping even the hollowness out of the hollow.

There’s nothing now for anyone and so it shall stay-

Useless, barren and bare.

Oh wait- there’s only one thing that lingers

The stench of morbid despair.

-Ramona Arena 2016.

 

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Pointless.

I’m sad

I’m so sad

I’m helpless

Despite trying my hardest.

You’ve known me before

Admired my strength and courage

I’m broken now

In your eyes of pity, I’ve fallen.

Be that as it may

I don’t give a damn

It was never about you

My life, my plans.

I’ll stand if I can

But I hope that I die

Cuz a life without you

Is a mockery of being alive.

-Ramona Arena 2016.

 

Para ti, Ramonita..

Mucho ruido y pocas nueces.

Hoy, el 14 Diciembre. Un años.

Donde es el dios?

Donde es nuestra vida?

Si, no hay rosa sin espinas.

Pero yo veo solo muerte para mi.

Todos es negro.

Perdón?

Paciencia – ja ja..

Amor – ja ja ja ja ja..

Disfruta nada, listilla Ramonita.

El corazón es ciego y estúpido.

Y para siempre es suyo.

– Ramona Arena. 14 December 2015.

Depression

I am depressed.

Life has failed me yet again.

Each time, I dusted the dirt

It threw at my face;

Stood up on my feet

Pushed myself

Back into the race.

But this time life wins.

I am firmly convinced

There is no God.

No mercy.

No respite.

 

Only one truth exists:

Good things don’t happen to good people,

They’re just given a mere glimpse of it.

Life dangles the sweetest carrot,

Finally offers a most promising bite

Only to take it away,

Smiling proudly.

I crumble

Into this wreck,

A morose being walking

With the stench of death.

No energy left to fight,

Only motivation to cry.

How I abhor myself.

I hate my life.

I cringe at my existence.

I’m dispicable and vile.

Congratulations life.

I hope you’re celebrating nice.

 

 

-Ramona Arena.

12 December 2015.

Death Song

Verse 1

I cannot wait to die

Biggest fool in the world am I

They call it a blessing

But I’ve been cursed with life.

 

When oh when am I ever gonna die?

 

Verse 2

I’ve never despised myself more than I do right now

I’ve never hated my strength more than I do right now

I’m such a waste of space

Can’t even take my own life.

 

When oh when am I ever gonna die?

 

Bridge:

Fuck this pain

I’ve had too much

Broken, cold

It’s beyond enough

 

Verse 3

Let bullets fill me up

I’m dead but my breath won’t stop

All I want is to die

Life’s a sadistic bitch, makes me cry

 

When oh when am I ever gonna die?

 

 

 

 

Friday, December 11th, 2015. Worst fucking, piece of shit day ever.

Ramona Arena.

Succumb

Why is it so hard for me
To break through these walls of denial.
Why can’t I see they are only made of paper,
Not steel.

Why does it seem impossible for me
To allow myself just a tear?
Must I always resort to intoxication
To let loose or a find a momentary escape?

Why do I have to hide behind words
And filters that conceal my lines,
The story hasn’t even begun to be told,
But the end is clearly in sight.

If only I could shake the truth I know, out of me
Like the falling leaves of October.
Would it be so thoroughly shattering
To accept that I still miss you?

Could the vulnerability reveal a comforting shadow?
Could the weakness reduce me to a baggage tag that reads ‘fragile’?
Either way, this debate of submission,
Is a sweet pain I’ve grown to love.

It’s the oxygen in my lungs
That keeps me alive,
In the same way,
That it allows me to disintegrate until mortality claims my soul.

-Ramona Arena 2014.

House of Abandon

I knew everyones secrets.
Protected them through storms.
Never let any harm come in;
Witnessed generations born.

And I stand empty today,
In this state of naked shame.
Because you got greedy, wanting it all.
Starting a war in my name.

– Ramona Arena 2014.