See the Contrast…?

I often find myself struggling. Actually, who the hell am I bullshitting. I am constantly struggling.

I was born creative, an artist – so yes, I am fucking emotional and extremely sensitive. I am also a very grounded Taurus, so I’m not the erratic or dramatic types. I don’t cry for nothing, am ridiculously understanding and tolerant and patient. To the point where it drives me mad. See the contrast?

I love being a bull for the insane strength that it’s given me – emotionally and mentally. But when it comes to heart matters, I’m the biggest loser there is. See the contrast?

I feel so deeply and connect so quickly with people – even strangers. I am moved and touched and hurt and offended. I take everything too personally. I take things to heart. I feel enough pain of my own, I don’t know why I need feel other people’s pain! I can’t separate myself from them. See the contrast?

I love my country and it’s people as much as I have no faith in them – they make my otherwise positive outlook on life, rather grim and negative. See the contrast?

I am patient but I want it now.

I am surrounded by people but lonely.

I am constantly grateful but somehow still unhappy.

Something’s always missing. And I’m running out of ideas. How do I fill the hole? Does it ever get filled?

I wish I was emotionally cold and dead. No feelings. No love. Just a ‘whatever’ attitude. I want not to feel. I want not to give a fuck. But I can’t, because I do feel, I do care and I do give a fuck about everything and everyone, all the time. See the contrast?

Dec, 2016.

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Answers that I seek and want,
Do their best to evade me.
Another sunrise shows up,
To taunt, humiliate me.

My very existence,
Is that of a hollow drum.
Broken strings,
Warp a Gibsons perfect strum.

Beguiled,
Forlorn,
Pages from the midst of my lifes’ story,
Gone.

Must we always finish each chapter,
Or is it trivial paltriness?
Market shares wouldn’t feel the plunge,
Of a carefully crafted mess.

Unable to connect,
Vacuous as death,
Desperately floundering,
Life, I’m bowing out of your test.

-Β©RamonaArena2015