See the Contrast…?

I often find myself struggling. Actually, who the hell am I bullshitting. I am constantly struggling.

I was born creative, an artist – so yes, I am fucking emotional and extremely sensitive. I am also a very grounded Taurus, so I’m not the erratic or dramatic types. I don’t cry for nothing, am ridiculously understanding and tolerant and patient. To the point where it drives me mad. See the contrast?

I love being a bull for the insane strength that it’s given me – emotionally and mentally. But when it comes to heart matters, I’m the biggest loser there is. See the contrast?

I feel so deeply and connect so quickly with people – even strangers. I am moved and touched and hurt and offended. I take everything too personally. I take things to heart. I feel enough pain of my own, I don’t know why I need feel other people’s pain! I can’t separate myself from them. See the contrast?

I love my country and it’s people as much as I have no faith in them – they make my otherwise positive outlook on life, rather grim and negative. See the contrast?

I am patient but I want it now.

I am surrounded by people but lonely.

I am constantly grateful but somehow still unhappy.

Something’s always missing. And I’m running out of ideas. How do I fill the hole? Does it ever get filled?

I wish I was emotionally cold and dead. No feelings. No love. Just a ‘whatever’ attitude. I want not to feel. I want not to give a fuck. But I can’t, because I do feel, I do care and I do give a fuck about everything and everyone, all the time. See the contrast?

Dec, 2016.

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Your Expectations…

I don’t talk much,
Not about the past anymore,
Not about how X hurt me, or that I went through Y,
I don’t speak of all the pain, struggle, the number of times I have wanted to end my life, end it all for good,
But that doesn’t mean I’m over it,
That doesn’t mean I don’t feel,
That doesn’t mean I don’t know your pain,
That doesn’t mean anything.
Stop your mind from jumping to conclusions,
Stop your ego from judging me.
My story is mine, I will share it if I need to,
And I’d only need to, to help lighten your load.
I don’t need it to hold grudges or blame,
To whine or stay stuck in a moment long gone.
I don’t need to prove the tons of things I’ve gone through,
I don’t need your sympathy,
I won’t explain myself for your egos satisfaction.
Free me from your expectations,
Because I won’t, I absolutely won’t live up to them.
– Ramona Arena, 3rd September, 2018.

Conversation.

The milky moon
Shining full and bright
Negates the intensity
Of the ebony night

Beaming down
Upon the sea
He boasts aloud
Drunk with vanity.

The stars weren’t bothered
They just ignored
The pompous moon
With claims so broad.

‘They’re filled with envy’
He justified,
‘But I control you beings
With water and tide.’

Now a lone urchin boy
Seated on a rock
Looked up at the moon
Thinking ‘what a shmuck!’

He kept on ranting
Till the lad could take no more
‘Shut up you dim wit
Your flatulence, I abhore.’

Aghast, the moon scowled
‘Who do you think you are!
Don’t you know who I am?
I can wreck you with my power!’

‘You’re nothing alone
You can only shine
Because the sun loves you
And lets you steal her light

You’re not even a planet
You can’t host or sustain life
You’re dented, cold and old
A lonely satellite’

‘You know not what I had to go through
To evolve and get to this stage.
There’d be no earth without me
No animals nor human race.

Just like the other scum
All that you can see
Is a rabbit on my face
But I stabilize thee!

All of you ingrates
Your time will come
When I leave your sight
Disaster will be done!

And then you will remember
All I wanted was respect and affection.
But you are a selfish species
Bringing doom upon creation.’

23rd Aug 2015. Ramona Arena.