See the Contrast…?

I often find myself struggling. Actually, who the hell am I bullshitting. I am constantly struggling.

I was born creative, an artist – so yes, I am fucking emotional and extremely sensitive. I am also a very grounded Taurus, so I’m not the erratic or dramatic types. I don’t cry for nothing, am ridiculously understanding and tolerant and patient. To the point where it drives me mad. See the contrast?

I love being a bull for the insane strength that it’s given me – emotionally and mentally. But when it comes to heart matters, I’m the biggest loser there is. See the contrast?

I feel so deeply and connect so quickly with people – even strangers. I am moved and touched and hurt and offended. I take everything too personally. I take things to heart. I feel enough pain of my own, I don’t know why I need feel other people’s pain! I can’t separate myself from them. See the contrast?

I love my country and it’s people as much as I have no faith in them – they make my otherwise positive outlook on life, rather grim and negative. See the contrast?

I am patient but I want it now.

I am surrounded by people but lonely.

I am constantly grateful but somehow still unhappy.

Something’s always missing. And I’m running out of ideas. How do I fill the hole? Does it ever get filled?

I wish I was emotionally cold and dead. No feelings. No love. Just a ‘whatever’ attitude. I want not to feel. I want not to give a fuck. But I can’t, because I do feel, I do care and I do give a fuck about everything and everyone, all the time. See the contrast?

Dec, 2016.

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Your Expectations…

I don’t talk much,
Not about the past anymore,
Not about how X hurt me, or that I went through Y,
I don’t speak of all the pain, struggle, the number of times I have wanted to end my life, end it all for good,
But that doesn’t mean I’m over it,
That doesn’t mean I don’t feel,
That doesn’t mean I don’t know your pain,
That doesn’t mean anything.
Stop your mind from jumping to conclusions,
Stop your ego from judging me.
My story is mine, I will share it if I need to,
And I’d only need to, to help lighten your load.
I don’t need it to hold grudges or blame,
To whine or stay stuck in a moment long gone.
I don’t need to prove the tons of things I’ve gone through,
I don’t need your sympathy,
I won’t explain myself for your egos satisfaction.
Free me from your expectations,
Because I won’t, I absolutely won’t live up to them.
– Ramona Arena, 3rd September, 2018.

How do you live your life?

Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes.
– Hugh Prather.

Can you identify with this? I totally can. Since it always kept happening to me as a child, I learned by the age of 11, not to make plans or fixed decisions. Not about anything, ever.

Everytime I made a plan for something, it never worked out. Everytime I thought I finally caught a break, things would collapse again.

By the time I was 13, I started meditation. This only emphasized to me what life already taught me. Only, it gave me a new perspective & clarity. Life & God were not against me, I was not cursed or doomed to fail. I didn’t have to live fighting or with dejection, when things didn’t go my way. I deeply understood that change is just the nature of things.

At 16, I did Vipassana, which taught me about annichha – impermanence. Which helped me stop taking life, people, situations and myself so seriously. To trust life, flow with it instead of hustle. So I’ve never been competitive, fought for work, cheated others to get more etc. What’s meant for me will always end up on my lap. There are enough amazing, kind, supportive and generous people around me thankfully. I believe this firmly, because life made sure it rubbed it in deep.

Obviously, I’ve also met tons of well-meaning people who’ve said that my way of living is wrong, that I’m ‘airy-fairy’, living in the clouds, that I should grow up & live in the real world. I listen, but keep on walking (or floating as they say), without looking back, or caring about their beliefs of ‘should’. I understand where they come from.

But we all have our own learnings, and through them our beliefs. I love who I am, and living the way I do – mistakes, falls & all. And for all change & other life lessons, I always remain open.

Happy Teachers Day, to life, every single person on this planet & their opinions. πŸ€—πŸ™

Open Up

Rules are meant to be rewritten

Theories are meant to be challenged

Conclusions are meant to be incomplete

Cuz the finite ain’t finite

And things ain’t what they seem.

 

Questions aren’t meant to be answered

Discovery is meant to be on-going

Seeking is to be an eternal quest

Cuz the finite ain’t finite

And we manifest that of which we dream.

 

It’s round, it’s square,

It’s here, but it’s also there

The dress is blue and the dress is green

Screw your illusions, I see the real deal

But the finite ain’t finite

You’re beyond all you staunchly believe.

 

Yeah the finite ain’t finite

Look beyond all that you perceive.

 

– Ramona Arena 2016.

And they ask out of

What they call they concern

If I’m okay,

If I’m happy,

If I’ve found someone.

Scavengers.

-Ramona Arena 2015

Thank You!

Perhaps a good time,
To say thank you.
For all that I’ve been given
For all I’ve battled for, too.

For personal evolution,
Growth forced me to stand strong.
I’m really thankful to people,
To animals, pen and song.

-Ramona Arena, 16th October 2015

Flowed she did,
With thoughts so deep,
All he could do
Was look at her with care.

It mattered not
How far away she was.
All he knew, was for her
He’d be there.

Every ready he stood,
This wonderful soul of man,
Arms and practicality intact.

He stayed and pursued
Who knew patience could woo!
Happiness, has now been defined.

-Ramona Arena, 2015.